hauptfrau

The conflict is in man. Unless it is resolved there, it cannot be resolved anywhere else. The politics is within you; it is between the two parts of the mind. A very small bridge exists. If that bridge is broken through some accident, through some physiological defect or something else, the person becomes split, the person becomes two persons and the phenomenon of schizophrenia or split personality happens.

If the bridge is broken - and the bridge is very fragile - then you become two, you behave like two persons. In the morning you are very loving, very beautiful; in the evening you are very angry, absolutely different. You don't remember your morning...how can you remember? Another mind was functioning - and the person becomes two persons. If this bridge is strengthened so much that the two minds disappear as two and become one, then integration, then crystallization, arises.

What George Gurdjieff used to call the crystallization of being is nothing but these two minds becoming one, the meeting of the male and the female within, the meeting of yin and yang, the meeting of the left and right, the meeting of logic and illogic, the meeting of Plato and Aristotle.

Osho Ancient Music in the Pines Chapter 1

Commentary:
The image of integration is the unio mystica, the fusion of opposites. This is a time of communication between the previously experienced dualities of life. Rather than night opposing day, dark suppressing light, they work together to create a unified whole, turning endlessly one into the other, each containing in its deepest core the seed of the opposite.

The eagle and the swan are both beings of flight and majesty. The eagle is the embodiment of power and aloneness. The swan is the embodiment of space and purity, gently floating and diving, upon and within the element of the emotions, entirely content and complete within her perfection and beauty.

We are the union of eagle and swan: male and female, fire and water, life and death. The card of integration is the symbol of self-creation, new life, and mystical union; otherwise known as alchemy.

If you have found your truth within yourself there is nothing more in this whole existence to find. Truth is functioning through you. When you open your eyes, it is truth opening his eyes. When you close your eyes, it is truth who is closing its eyes.

This is a tremendous meditation. If you can simply understand the device, you don't have to do anything; whatever you are doing is being done by truth. You are walking, it is truth; you are sleeping, it is truth resting; you are speaking, it is truth speaking; you are silent, it is truth that is silent.

This is one of the most simple meditation techniques. Slowly, slowly everything settles by this simple formula, and then there is no need for the technique. When you are cured, you throw away the meditation, you throw away the medicine. Then you live as truth - alive, radiant, contented, blissful, a song unto yourself. Your whole life becomes a prayer without any words, or better to say a prayerfulness, a grace, a beauty which does not belong to our mundane world, a ray of light coming from the beyond into the darkness of our world.

Osho The Great Zen Master Ta Hui Chapter 23

Commentary:
The Inner Voice speaks not in words but in the wordless language of the heart. It is like an oracle who only speaks the truth. If it had a face, it would be like the face at the center of this card - alert, watchful, and able to accept both the dark and the light, symbolized by the two hands holding the crystal. The crystal itself represents the clarity that comes from transcending all dualities.

The Inner Voice can also be playful, as it dives deep into the emotions and emerges again to soar towards the sky, like two dolphins dancing in the waters of life. It is connected with the cosmos, through the crescent-moon crown, and the earth, as represented by the green leaves on the figure's kimono.

There are times in our lives when too many voices seem to be pulling us this way and that. Our very confusion in such situations is a reminder to seek silence and centering within. Only then are we able to hear our truth.

WOW

To transform breakdowns into breakthroughs is the whole function of a master. The psychotherapist simply patches you up. That is his function. He is not there to transform you. You need a meta-psychology, the psychology of the buddhas.

It is the greatest adventure in life to go through a breakdown consciously. It is the greatest risk because there is no guarantee that the breakdown will become a breakthrough. It does become, but these things cannot be guaranteed. Your chaos is very ancient - for many, many lives you have been in chaos. It is thick and dense. It is almost a universe in itself. So when you enter into it with your small capacity, of course there is danger. But without facing this danger nobody has ever become integrated, nobody has ever become an individual, indivisible.

Zen, or meditation, is the method which will help you to go through the chaos, through the dark night of the soul, balanced, disciplined, alert. The dawn is not far away, but before you can reach the dawn, the dark night has to be passed through. And as the dawn comes closer, the night will become darker.

Osho Walking in Zen, Sitting in Zen Chapter 1

Commentary:
The predominance of red in this card indicates at a glance that its subject is energy, power and strength. The brilliant glow emanates from the solar plexus, or center of power on the figure, and the posture is one of exuberance and determination.

All of us occasionally reach a point when "enough is enough." At such times it seems we must do something, anything, even if it later turns out to be a mistake, to throw off the burdens and restrictions that are limiting us. If we don't, they threaten to suffocate and cripple our very life energy itself.

If you are now feeling that "enough is enough," allow yourself to take the risk of shattering the old patterns and limitations that have kept your energy from flowing. In doing so you will be amazed at the vitality and empowerment this Breakthrough can bring to your life.

this is the fool-card in osho-zen tarot:

Du bist nicht zufällig hier. Die Existenz braucht dich. Wenn es dich nicht gäbe, würde etwas fehlen, was keiner ersetzen kann. Und es gibt dir Würde, daß du der ganzen Existenz fehlen würdest. Sonne, Mond und Sterne, Bäume, Vögel und die Erde – das ganze Universum würde spüren, daß ein kleiner Platz leer ist, den kein anderer einnehmen kann als du. Das ist für dich eine große Freude, eine Erfüllung, denn du bist mit der Existenz verbunden; du bist ihr nicht egal. Wenn deine Augen klar und geläutert sind, kannst du sehen, welche unendliche Liebe dir aus allen Dimensionen zuteil wird.

Osho God is Dead: Now Zen is the Only Living Truth Chapter 1

Kommentar:
Die nackte Gestalt auf dem Lotusblatt der Vollendung ist versunken in die Schönheit des Nachthimmels. Sie weiß, das “Zuhause” nicht ein Platz in der Süßeren Welt ist, sondern ein innerer Zustand der Entspannung und des Annehmens. Die Sterne, die Steine, die Blumen, die Fische und Vögel – sie alle sind unsere Brüder und Schwestern im Tanz des Lebens. Wir Menschen neigen dazu, dies zu vergessen, wenn wir unsere eigenen privaten Ziele verfolgen und meinen, kämpfen zu müssen, um das zu kriegen, was wir brauchen. Doch unser Gefühl von Abgetrenntheit ist letztlich nur eine Illusion, die sich der engstirnige Verstand konstruiert hat.Vielleicht kannst du dir selbst jetzt das große Geschenk machen, dich Überall “zu Hause” zu fühlen. Wenn ja, koste es voll aus, damit es tiefer geht und erhalten bleibt. Wenn du aber meinst, die Welt sei nur gegen dich, gönne dir eine Pause. Geh heute abend hinaus und schau dir den Sternenhimmel an.

even though i am not so much into that osho-thing i bouth the wonderful osho-zen tarot during my neue-wege-class. i drew some cards for my holiday the last week – amazing how much that turned otu to be simply RIGHT.

now- card of the day is "change".
just have the german words. but this is, what it says. (guess it is a special interpretation of the wheel of fortune).

"Das Leben wiederholt sich sinnlos. Es dreht sich wie ein Rad, solange du dich nicht "besinnst". Deshalb nennen es die Buddhisten das Rad des Lebens und des Todes, das Rad der Zeit. Es dreht sich wie ein Rad: Auf Geburt folgt Tod, auf Tod folgt Geburt; auf Liebe folgt Haß, auf Haß folgt Liebe; auf Gelingen folgt Scheitern auf Scheitern folgt Gelingen. Sieh einfach zu!Wenn du dir das einige Tage lang anschauen kannst, siehst du, daß es ein Muster ist – das Muster eines Rades. An einem Tag, eines schönen Morgens fühlst du dich wohl und bist glücklich. An einem anderen Tag bist du so trübsinnig, so tot, daß du an Selbstmord denkst. Und dabei warst du gerade noch voller Leben, so glückselig, daß du Gott dankbar warst, daß du tiefe Dankbarkeit verspürt hast. Und heute herrscht großes Wehklagen; du siehst keinen Grund, warum du weiterleben solltest… Das geht immer so weiter, doch du erkennst das Muster nicht. Wenn du das Muster siehst, kannst du daraus aussteigen."

amazing. exactly on a day where i just feel empty and week. with (AGAIN!!!) no sleep and lots of work ahead.
wish things will change. SOON.

and a second (the tower, i guess):
"Auf dieser Karte ist ein brennender Turm zu sehen, der explodiert, auseinanderbricht. Ein Mann und eine Frau springen in die Tiefe – nicht weil sie es wollen, sondern weil sie keine andere Wahl haben. Die transparente, meditierende Gestalt im Hintergrund symbolisiert unser Bewußtsein, den beobachtenden Zeugen.Vielleicht bist du zur Zeit ziemlich erschüttert, als sei der Boden unter deinen Füßen ins Wanken geraten. Wenn wir uns verunsichert fühlen, wollen wir uns natürlich irgendwo festhalten. Aber dieses innere Erdbeben ist notwendig und äußerst wichtig. Wenn du es zulassen kannst, gehst du gestärkt aus den Trümmern hervor und wirst offener für neue Erfahrungen. Nach dem Feuer ist die Erde reicher; nach dem Sturm ist die Luft rein. Schau dir die Zerstörung mit innerem Abstand an, fast als ob sie einem anderem zustoßen würde. Sag Ja dazu, indem du dem ganzen Geschehen auf halbem Weg entgegenkommst."

"Als sein Leben in Scherben lag, seine Familie getötet, seine Farm
zerstört war, kniete Hiob auf die Erde und rief zum Himmel hinauf:
"Warum Gott? Warum ich?", und die donnernde Stimme Gottes antwortete:
"Du hast irgendwas an dir, das mich tierisch ankotzt".

she died saturday.
summer solistice.
or - sommer johannisfest – for the freemasons.

i could think of no better time.
it is the time for chnages and transitions. so we will see, what else might change with this.

i hope her wish got satisfied and she could pass away without pain.

everything is so fast – now the funeral has to be prepared.

hold thumbs for us that we can do it in a way that is of help to her children and family.

yesterday my colleague-friend ingrid grilled me (ha? right word? sounds great... :-)
she forced me to give my okay to a 1 week holiday after my second sales presentation around the 1st of july.
for my stomach is still not much better and everything changes everyday this sounds like a good idea. she tried to make me think about a 4 weeks sabbatical.
hm. busy with that thought.
i spent so many hours with this work. maybe i should switch my focus and spend this time with things that are at hand now.
me.

...i took a day off – or better: work from my place. after another 3 days with less than 4 hours of sleep it feels necessary.
hey- but people who know – sseee that i have learned... :-)
even though it is not a nice time i feel a lot better.
as a friend told me the other day- "we do not only learn through pain and suffering. the lessons can come through joy"

yes. sounds good.

more joy for me.

although i am still in some kind of retreat life feels better.
sun is shining.
and my muscles are sore from a few hours in the gymn yesterday. this was GOOD.
besides all the pain i miss my love.

but there is nothing i can do.
just be with whatever wants to come up.

maybe right through it is better than anything else.
tonight i am out for dinner with friends.
i am looking forward to this.
and a strange thing happens (again!!!) whenever my heart aches
all these old lovers return from oblivion.
what the hell is this?

yes- now i finish my lamenting.

...and 2 more weeks left til i have to join my neuewege-class again.
i am so scared.
and jealous.
my brain creates all these stories about the new love i will have to hear and see and feel.
to me a strange and new feeling.
but - i it can only happen because i have opened up more than i did before.
many feelings the same time.
and – this "being open" is something i will not give up.

heartache is a good diet. can not eat properly.
finally i have slept again.

plus: on the phone i told a friend about my transformed childhood history. was a sort of "premiere" to me.
i can not fight the feeling of being ashamed while telling this. same happened when i spoke about this with another friend a few days ago. i guess it has to do with the fact that they are MEN. i do not feel that ashamed while talking to women. but it will change.

i miss that very easy and close and deep connection i had with my love.
that would be of great help.

don't know what it is good for - except – leaving much time.
for example: baking breads... :-) thank you sista - i am curious about my first result.

"In every template of destruction rests the template of creation.

Every time your heart is broken, a gift arises if you let it. The caterpillar must die. And it is only through struggle and breaking of old forms that a butterfly becomes strong enough to survive. "

i hope this is true. thank you yezida.

hard and tearful weekend.
good recovered memory therapy. things seem all to fall into place.
sometimes in a SHOCKING way.

my self destructive patterns show up and disappear.
well – if this is what pain is good for – i'll embrace it. (err- no i do NOT mean that!!)

just too hard to feel so.... substitutable.
and – alone, of course. and jealous. and angry. and furious. and HURT. selfpity. and fearful.
disappointed. longing. lonely. hopeless.
what i found: love just stays the same. this doesn't change at all.
and it is good to be able to feel this.

i am not trying to fight feelings for it is much easier to accept what simply IS.
and it makes more sense. i have spent too many years just to block what i am and feel.

the result (for the moment) is also something very surprising:
AGAIN i feel that there are so many people who unconditionally love/like me.
help me. and accept me – even when i am nothing but a wimp.
amazing.
it is good to have people to rely on who do not leave even in situations where it is hard to stand by me.

a nice thing: yesterday, cleaning up the flat i left the bedroom for a minute just to get the vacuum cleaner.
when i came back i found a four-leaf clover on the floor. it must have been fallen out of one of the books there – but i simply can NOT remember nor have a found an open book.

i took it as quite a direct fey message and felt thankful for this.

in my psychotherapy significant GAPS appeared in my memories – or better: all of a sudden – i started to remember things i have been blocking for more than 30 years.
it was hard to accept that i am one of those loonies who transform their own history in a way that makes it livable.
it took me a while. and still it is not easy to adapt to.
same time it leaves a huge GIFT:
- i can start anew to some extent.
- there is so much space now that is no longer filled with what i thought "i am".

AGAIN that means that there is not much stability.
and there are times when i feel weaker then ever before.
but again there is a paradox:
i feel a LOT stronger.
no idea where that leads me to?

on saturday a friend told us that she will die from cancer.
that day we planned (and held) a ritual together that was based on lifes face of dead.
what goethe called:
stirb, und werde!

it hurts.

Bring 'em all in, bring'em all in, bring 'em all in,
bring 'em all in, bring 'em all into my heart
Bring 'em all in, bring 'em all in, bring 'em all in
bring 'em all in, bring 'em all into my heart

Bring the little fishes
bring the sharks
bring 'em from the brightness
bring 'em from the dark

Bring 'em from the caverns
bring 'em from the heights
bring 'em from the shadows
stand 'em in the light

Bring 'em out of purdah
bring 'em out of store
bring 'em out of hiding
lay them at my door

Bring the unforgiven
bring the unredeemed
bring the lost, the nameless
let 'em all be seen
bring 'em out of exile
bring 'em out of sleep
bring 'em to the portal
lay them at my feet

Bring 'em all in, bring 'em all in, bring 'em all in,
bring 'em all in, bring 'em all into my heart
Bring 'em all in, bring 'em all in, bring 'em all in
bring 'em all in,bring 'em all in to my heart